What Are You Up To, God?

There is a memorial service today for a local father of four boys ranging from age five to twelve.  I didn't know him very well, but had the opportunity to be glancing friends with his wife over the last 18 months.  She passed away three months ago.  I've been wrestling with this tragedy for the last few days, knowing God is sovereign.  Yet in my finite understanding, I can't help but ask, "Why? What?!"

To my knowledge, this couple did not have the personal relationship with God that I cherish.  It was my desire to share His love with this mom who God introduced me to.  We came from very different backgrounds, had vastly different life experiences, and as a result went about doing life in different ways.  I struggled to find common ground.  It wasn't natural, easy or comfortable.  I confess I did not pursue her the way Christ pursues me.  And I don't know what to do with that.

I don't profess to be the lynchpin that failed; I know God wasn't dependent on me.  But I think He's okay with me feeling the sting of regret.  Why do I hesitate to share the most important thing in my life?  The relationship that defines my core values and influences every decision I make?  Why do I hide my light under a bushel?  Why am I afraid that my God will offend?  Or that He cannot redeem any misrepresentations I may make?

I will pray for those boys for the rest of my life.  I think about them every night as I go to sleep and will for a very long time.  I don't know what God is up to in their lives, but they are seared into my heart.  I pray somehow they will know God's love despite their tragic childhoods, that they will be protected from the enemy who wants to use this to drive them away from their heavenly Father.  I pray God will overwhelm them with believing friends and neighbors who will share His healing love.  I pray I will see them one day in heaven and rejoice at how much greater my God is than my faith.