Why Me?

We heard an incredible testimony last week at our home group meeting.  One of the families in our group is about to return to India to be missionaries to their own people.  We got to hear from her father, who came to salvation under miraculous circumstances.  He was a young adult before he had ever heard of a Christian, and still didn't know what that meant.  Yet God orchestrated his life as an example of Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

As he shared his journey to Christ and the persecution he has endured since becoming a believer, I could not help but wonder the difference between his soul and mine.  Why have I been born in a place and time where I have easy access to the gospel?  Why was I born into a family with an extraordinary heritage of believers?  Why me and not him?  What is my responsibility with this blessing?  What would God have me do or be because of my circumstances that predispose me to belief?

My first response is to have the mindset that I am here "for such a time as this."  That God has put me here, now for a specific purpose and I just need to be alert for that purpose.  But I also know that God doesn't need me to accomplish any of His purposes.  He will fulfill His plans with or without me.  If I miss the boat, it's just that--I miss out on knowing Him more deeply by having worked together with Him.  It's a delicate juggling act, to not allow this unknown purpose to dominate my consciousness, but to trust that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion and not let me miss the opportunity if I am focusing on Him.

God, why do you have me here, now?  I don't believe it's random.  Tune my heart to you, that I would not miss any opportunity to make the most of the circumstances you have blessed me with.

Fatigue, Irritability, Dizziness...oh my!

So I never really said how my glucose screening went at last month's appointment.  As suspected, my glucose levels were fine, but I was surprised to hear that I was slightly anemic.  "Nothing to worry about," I'm told, "just try to eat a little more beef and dark, leafy greens."  Okay, I'll see what I can do...neither of those are big staples in my routine diet.

Within a week of that news, I almost blacked out twice.  This is not new for me; I'm well-versed in the art of fainting.  I didn't think much of it the first time, but the second time I almost passed out in my sleep.  How bizarre is that?!  Since I've fainted so often before, I feel like my brain is pretty clued-in to the sequence that leads to total unconsciousness and I can usually short-circuit it before I'm out cold on the floor.  So I woke myself up when I started feeling the little black fuzzies coming on, and it really weirded me out because there isn't a lot you can do to relax when you're already asleep!  And it felt like it would happen again if I went back to sleep.  Of course, middle of the night wreaks havoc on your rational thought, so I eventually got up and cuddled with Google to try to talk some sense into myself.  Because Google always speaks truth and wisdom, right?

That's when I learned that fainting and dizziness are common symptoms of anemia.  Guess what else?  Irritability.  Haven't had any of that around here lately.  Ha!  I knew about the fatigue and weakness, but I didn't realize the other symptoms I had been experiencing were all tied to anemia--shortness of breath, rapid heartbeat, numbness/tingling in toes or fingers, and headaches.  Boy, if these symptoms could all be cleared up with a supplement, it would certainly make the next 12 weeks more bearable!

So I started on an iron supplement.  I've been taking it for just over a week now.  J asked if I could tell any difference, and I can't say that I feel any more rested.  But that may be because a certain someone has really hijacked naps lately.  But I've definitely cut back on the tylenol for headaches; I can say that for sure.  I don't think my family would be able to answer nicely about the irritability.  The great google says it can take 2-3 months to replenish depleted iron stores, so at least I should be back up to normal in time for delivery.  And hopefully, I will continue to see some of the other symptoms improve as it builds back up in my system.

I hit 29 weeks today.  If all goes well, then 11 more weeks to go.  If all the water consumption doesn't translate to better amniotic fluid levels, then it may be only 8 weeks.  Father God, I know I've been really whiny lately about this pregnancy, but could You please protect me from any new symptoms for the duration of this trimester?  By Your grace, I'll endure what I've already got; but I don't like to think about who I'll be if another new thing crops up.  Please keep baby and me healthy and strong till we can meet each other.  Thank you for the miracle that keeps kicking me in the gut.  Amen.

What's My Motivation?

Yes, I know, it's been a month since I posted anything.  No, I don't have a good reason.  Some fun things have happened, some interesting things, some everyday things.  But I just haven't felt like posting.  I haven't felt like doing much of anything.  I'm sort of dragging myself through the days lately, trying to put one foot in front of another.

I don't have a good reason for feeling so melancholy.  I'm really blessed.  But the discomforts of being six months pregnant have sort of become a burr in my saddle and my attitude has gone sour.  My poor daughters get the brunt of my exasperation.  I have zero tolerance for whining, complaining and not doing what needs to be done even though that's all I want to do...whine, complain, and procrastinate.

Not sure if it's hormones, spiritual attack, or just physical, but I really need it to stop.  I've asked several folks to pray that this cloud would be lifted and I could face the next three months with joy and grace.  I know prayer can accomplish much, so I'm pinning my hopes on that.

What Are You Up To, God?

There is a memorial service today for a local father of four boys ranging from age five to twelve.  I didn't know him very well, but had the opportunity to be glancing friends with his wife over the last 18 months.  She passed away three months ago.  I've been wrestling with this tragedy for the last few days, knowing God is sovereign.  Yet in my finite understanding, I can't help but ask, "Why? What?!"

To my knowledge, this couple did not have the personal relationship with God that I cherish.  It was my desire to share His love with this mom who God introduced me to.  We came from very different backgrounds, had vastly different life experiences, and as a result went about doing life in different ways.  I struggled to find common ground.  It wasn't natural, easy or comfortable.  I confess I did not pursue her the way Christ pursues me.  And I don't know what to do with that.

I don't profess to be the lynchpin that failed; I know God wasn't dependent on me.  But I think He's okay with me feeling the sting of regret.  Why do I hesitate to share the most important thing in my life?  The relationship that defines my core values and influences every decision I make?  Why do I hide my light under a bushel?  Why am I afraid that my God will offend?  Or that He cannot redeem any misrepresentations I may make?

I will pray for those boys for the rest of my life.  I think about them every night as I go to sleep and will for a very long time.  I don't know what God is up to in their lives, but they are seared into my heart.  I pray somehow they will know God's love despite their tragic childhoods, that they will be protected from the enemy who wants to use this to drive them away from their heavenly Father.  I pray God will overwhelm them with believing friends and neighbors who will share His healing love.  I pray I will see them one day in heaven and rejoice at how much greater my God is than my faith.

For the Kingdom

I follow several mommy blogs.  Some are friends, some are strangers.  Some are hilarious, some are profound.  Some are daily life, some advocate causes.  They all make me think, take me outside my own kitchen to other lives.  They shift my perspective and enlarge my tunnel vision.

I read non-fiction books.  Be-a-better-mommy books, be-a-better-wife books, know-your-Savior-better books.  Again, they broaden my perspective and take me out to a bigger world, an eternal world.

I hear great testimonies of how God is working in the hearts of those I love and those I didn't know existed.  My heart is stirred to desire bigger, bolder, more eternal goals.

My prayers are following this path.  What do You want me to do for Your eternal kingdom?  I know You don't need me to accomplish Your purposes, yet You take delight in allowing me to "help" You.  How can I help?  What cause would You have me champion?  What need do You want me to meet?  How can my little family be part of the eternal story You are weaving?  Are we doing it now... discipling our children and building relationships with others?  Are you preparing us for something else?  Did we hear You wrong along the way?  Have my ears gone numb to Your voice?  What more, Lord, do You have for me?  How can I be about Your eternal agenda?  Your kingdom come.

Progression of an Idol

Our home group is studying the Peace Maker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict by Ken Sande.  Our latest chapter was on the progression of an idol.  To me idols are pretty serious business.  If you have an idol interfering with your worship, its akin to cheating on God, prostituting yourself to some other lover.

Sande points out that conflicts reveal our idols.  First we have a desire, maybe even a healthy desire.  For example, "I desire peace in my home."  Not a bad thing.  It all starts to go bad when we elevate that desire to an unhealthy level and make it a demand.  When that demand is not met, say two small children decide to hold a pep rally in the living room, we begin to judge.  "My unhappiness is your fault.  You are to blame for my anger and annoyance."  Then we punish.  It doesn't have to be physical; it could be withholding affection, giving the silent treatment, lashing out, or hiding in the bathroom.  Whatever it is, we communicate that they will pay for our displeasure.

And that's how it becomes an idol.  We're no longer trusting God to be our only source of peace, joy, security, meaning, value.  We're saying what He did at Calvary isn't enough.  "In addition, God, I must also have ____________ in order to feel loved, valued and happy.  And if I can't have that, I can't possibly be held accountable to love others."  We become consumed with thoughts of this desire turned demand, we nurture it and it becomes a defining characteristic of our personality. "Yes, I'm the frazzled mom that can't possibly be satisfied with life right now; have you seen what I put up with all day?  I'll find my satisfaction later when my sleep isn't constantly interrupted."

Looking at it this way, it is obvious that idols run rampant in my heart.  And their plurality doesn't make them less significant.   Father God, show me the idols that I run to instead of You.  Ground me in the truth that You are enough and that my worth, my satisfaction are all about You, not others.

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately.  Lots of transition and new beginnings at our house.  I've been putting together a sketchy lesson plan for our first year of homeschool and trying to pull together some activities to keep C busy while I do lessons with A.  That has taken up a lot of my personal bandwidth this summer.  (That's how nerds communicate their capacity to process information.  I try to speak geek with my hubby whenever I can and sometimes it overflows into meat space.  That's where nerds have to interact with real people in real space instead of over the interwebs.)

We're also in the midst of changing our guest room/office into a playroom/guestroom.  We've moved the bedroom suite out and brought in a sleeper sofa, thereby insuring that no one will ever sleep overnight at my house again.  I'm trying to clear the room of it's old purpose and figure out it's new purpose without spending any money.  For now, that means a mountain of papers that need to be shredded or filed.  The encouraging thing is that if you wait two years to file your paperwork, a lot of it will be obsolete by the time you file and you can just throw it away.

Once the paper is clear, I'm wrestling with what I really want to put in the room so that A can enjoy it vs. not wanting C to decorate my walls with said enjoyment.  I enjoy these kinds of dilemmas and the energy that comes with a new configuration, but it's been keeping me up at night and that's not cool.

The reason we're changing the room around is to accommodate a new home group that we'll be leading this year.  I found out last week that we don't start the new group until mid-September, so that has helped me breathe a little bit.  I was thinking we only had two weeks to figure out the new room, what our group is going to study, our schedule for the fall, find a sitter for the group's kids, etc.  Two extra weeks helps a lot.

But I don't handle transition very well.  I sleep better when everything is settled.  I want the decisions to be made, the schedule mapped out, duties delegated, prep work done.  I want to have a great beginning for our new school year and our new home group, and I want to think it through enough that we finish well, too.  Until we're off and running, I'll be fidgeting with ideas and questions, wondering what the optimal solution is to each scenario.

I've been listening to podcasts from our previous church and have been reminded that unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain (Psalm 127:1).  I don't like spinning my wheels, so I pray we've heard rightly, that we'll keep our ears tuned to His voice and that God will be glorified in our home, through our family.  And if God is building it, it seems much less overwhelming.

Praise & Thanksgiving

We have great cause to celebrate at our house this week. God has answered our prayers about a significant milestone for J's work. I waited to blog about it because I didn't want to somehow jeopardize the negotiations. That either makes me really conceited, to think that my little blog reaches so far, or really paranoid, to think that the internet is that small. I tend toward the latter.

The back story is that J and his business partner have an incredible idea for a new iPhone app that has garnered the interest of an angel investor. They've spent many, many hours developing the business plan with help from a local small business incubator who was also smitten with the idea. The investor handed over a "deposit" during their first meeting. But then we hit a snag with some legal issues in a previous customer's contract. Long story short, we needed a signature in order to proceed and it was possible that the signature would be very expensive and time-consuming to secure.

After three weeks of praying for a quick, favorable answer, J got the needed signature yesterday afternoon--the same day he made the request. It did have a cost, but only a drop in the potential bucket. As a bonus, this previous customer that J was negotiating with asked to be the first customer when the new app is rolled out. Above and beyond what we could ask or imagine.

We've been praying for a long time that God would provide income in such a way that J would be able to concentrate on school full-time. We can't say for sure that this new idea will do that, but it is very promising. Having the investor's check in hand and the legal roadblocks out of the way gives us hope that God has flung this door wide open for us to run through. J had already pulled out of school for this semester and knew he would probably take off next fall as well. We'll pray now that this is enough time to get the new product up and rolling, generating revenue without much continual intervention.

So praise God with us!! This is a huge answer to prayer! We look forward to seeing how God will work it all together to make us more like Him and bring glory to Himself. Stay tuned.

Rough Night

Deep breath...last night was a rough one. It took A almost two hours to fall asleep without sucking her thumb. Criminey! She got out of bed at least five times with a million different excuses, but we knew it was because she just couldn't settle down without her thumb. She had a tough time at nap time yesterday and today, too. I let her lay down in my bed next to me and I put my arm over to keep her still. Today I had to tell her that we wouldn't watch any more movies if she couldn't be still and quiet. That did the trick, even though we've already gone through all the princess movies. Which is another reason that last night was rough. Every time I tried to fall asleep, I had a nagging Disney medley running through my head starting with "this provencal life" and "no one fights like Gaston, takes cheap shots like Gaston," then of course, Tale as Old as Time. Throw in a little "honor to us all" from Mulan and "you ain't never had a friend, never had a friend, no you ain't never had a friend like me!" Some friends you'd like to throw out the window.

At any rate, as I was going to bed around ten, I heard C cough a little and wondered if she was getting congested. No, she was throwing up in her bed. We didn't realize that until J went to check on her before he came to bed at midnight. Gross. I could write so much more, but I think gross pretty much sums it up. She continued to get sick every time I tried to lay her down flat, so after three bed changes, I finally wised up and took her to the recliner for what seemed like an eternity, but was really only an hour. I laid her back down on her back and she was fine until morning. No repeat episodes today; that's God's grace to a tired mommy.

So while I was laying in bed singing Disney songs and praying C wouldn't throw up any more, I also asked God to please intervene in our day so that we could somehow be kind to each other after a night like that. I'm so grateful that I'm not alone in the endeavor to be nice when I'm sleep deprived. The same supernatural power that raised Christ from the dead can help me demonstrate self-control and not yell at my preschooler or give me the presence of mind to be creative in my discipline if it is needed. Yes, it was a rough night. But we've had a pretty good day and I give God all the credit for that because that is not something I could ever do on my own.

Tomorrow's the Big Day

So A's thumb surgery is tomorrow morning. I talked to the pre-admissions nurse on Friday and got a few more details. We are to arrive at 6:45 am. We get to be in the room with her for just a short time, long enough to get her into a hospital gown and sign all the consent forms. They won't start anesthesia until they are in the OR. I'm a little anxious about that because I know she's going to be scared...strange place, strange people coming at her with a gas mask. She'll get enough gas to fall asleep and then they will start IV anesthesia. We will be back together when she wakes up. She should have full mobility in her thumbs when she wakes up. They estimate we'll be there about three hours.

I asked her what her favorite meal is and promised to make whatever she picked for supper. We'll be having mac and cheese with fish sticks, no fruits or veggies. Woo hoo! I also offered to rent a movie for her while she's recuperating on Monday. She's really been eager to watch the "Belle movie." Surgery's a big deal, so we're going to cave to yet another Disney princess. I'll be humming "Tale as Old as Time" for the next week.

We would be grateful for your prayers in the morning. We'll all need calm, quiet hearts and courage to face the unknown. Please pray for the surgeon and his team also. I will try to write up an update as soon as we get home. Thanks!

Delayed obedience is disobedience

I don't know how many times a day I have to tell A, "Obey right away, all the way, with a happy heart." (Quote from Ginger Plowman's Don't Make Me Count to Three) Boy, I am the biggest hypocrite. See there's been this little heart issue that God made me aware of, oh, I don't know, maybe a few weeks ago, give or take a YEAR! Seriously, I have been delaying my own obedience for over a year now. Why does God put up with kind of disrespect?!

Scary thing is that I don't know for sure, but He might not have been tolerating it. Years ago, I did something very similar. That time it was very intentional, though. I didn't want to deal with the hurt in my heart and I wasn't going to. Remind you of anyone we know? (Hint: she wouldn't eat her pears.) We had been back in the states for about six months and J was doing everything he could to get hired on at the company he was consulting for. But the door was closed and beyond the door was a brick wall. Every time it seemed to crack open, it got slammed closed again. We were very frustrated. One Sunday, I told J to go on to church without me, that God and I had business to tend to at home. I was weary of carrying the bitterness and God loved me too much to let me. We had a good talk and forgiveness was so sweet. J got his job offer the next day.

Sure, maybe it was a coincidence. But I beg to differ. I believe my disobedience had affected my family's growth. We weren't going anywhere until I obeyed. I had completely forgotten about this until God brought it to my mind recently. I shuddered. I knew I was living in disobedience to a faithful God and what if my disobedience was stunting my family's growth again? I don't know. But I know I obeyed. That little thing that I thought wasn't bothering anybody else has been dealt with, done, forgiven, over, close the book on that one. Please, Lord Jesus, don't let it have been hurting anyone else.

Battle of Epic Proportions

I'm a little dazed at the moment. Kind of deer in the headlights. I feel like I've gone 10 rounds with a prize fighter and have 3 more to go. A is taking her second nap of the day when we should be attending a friend's birthday party. We had to call and give our regrets; we couldn't attend because of A's poor choices today. And I am so sorry that we chose consequences that effect someone else's joy. I would take that one back if I could.

Wanna know what she decided was more important than a birthday party? What cause could be so worthwhile as to choose it over birthday cake, party games and a houseful of squealing friends? Pears. She chose pears as her fruit at lunchtime then chose not to eat them, forfeiting the privilege of watching a show before nap. After nap, she was confronted again with the pears at snack time. She had been warned that the pears would be back. No snack until the pears are eaten. Everyone else in the family had cookies for snack, she wailed. She decided it would be okay to not eat pears or cookies if someone would play with her. So that was removed as well. No, we will not play with you until you eat your pears. More wailing and gnashing of teeth. Mommy and Daddy enjoyed a jovial game of checkers, trying to entice her to eat her pears. Nope, only more wailing. Several throwdowns and spankings later, she was sent to bed. No party, no cake, no cookies, no playing. Over pears!!! Not peas, cabbage, brussels sprouts, but pears!!

I have no idea how long this will take, but it is very clear to J and I that we have to outlast her on this one. We have taken away the show in the past if she didn't eat her fruit. Today it was obviously not incentive enough. As I tucked her in for her second nap, she told me, "Mom, when I get up, I'm not going to eat my pears." We need the Holy Spirit to intervene!

In the greatest of ironies, we will probably negate all healthful benefits of the pears by having some processed, refined mac-n-cheese and chicken nuggets for supper. Of course, she has to eat the pears first. Does that count as a bribe? Cause I really don't want to bribe her. She needs to choose to eat the pears.

I'll let you know what happens. It has helped to write this out. When she wakes up, we're going to pray together about the situation and see how God answers our prayer. I'm so glad it's Saturday and J is home.

*I am relieved to report that the battle is over. It wasn't pretty, but it's over. She had pears as an appetizer for supper, then blueberry muffins and raisins. We'll all live to see another day, but there will be large quantities of ice cream during the triage hour following her bedtime.