Why Me?

We heard an incredible testimony last week at our home group meeting.  One of the families in our group is about to return to India to be missionaries to their own people.  We got to hear from her father, who came to salvation under miraculous circumstances.  He was a young adult before he had ever heard of a Christian, and still didn't know what that meant.  Yet God orchestrated his life as an example of Romans 1:20, "For since the creation of the world, God's invisible qualities--his eternal power and divine nature--have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that people are without excuse."

As he shared his journey to Christ and the persecution he has endured since becoming a believer, I could not help but wonder the difference between his soul and mine.  Why have I been born in a place and time where I have easy access to the gospel?  Why was I born into a family with an extraordinary heritage of believers?  Why me and not him?  What is my responsibility with this blessing?  What would God have me do or be because of my circumstances that predispose me to belief?

My first response is to have the mindset that I am here "for such a time as this."  That God has put me here, now for a specific purpose and I just need to be alert for that purpose.  But I also know that God doesn't need me to accomplish any of His purposes.  He will fulfill His plans with or without me.  If I miss the boat, it's just that--I miss out on knowing Him more deeply by having worked together with Him.  It's a delicate juggling act, to not allow this unknown purpose to dominate my consciousness, but to trust that He who began a good work in me will carry it on to completion and not let me miss the opportunity if I am focusing on Him.

God, why do you have me here, now?  I don't believe it's random.  Tune my heart to you, that I would not miss any opportunity to make the most of the circumstances you have blessed me with.

Want to Know

As I was washing baby things yesterday, I took an extra moment to caress the flannel blankets that my Grandma made for my son.  I fingered the crocheted details bordering the edge and thought of her sitting in her living room on the porch swing she had for a couch.  Feet on an avocado-green ottoman, gently gliding back and forth as she went around and around each square of flannel to add her handmade touch.

I had the gift of sharing a home with her as a teenager, but completely wasted that time with her.  I was so absorbed in the narcissistic universe that is teen drama that I missed out on so much of what could have been a precious inheritance of her wisdom and skill.

She's been in heaven for almost ten years now.  She took time a long time ago to make a set of baby blankets for each of her grandchildren.  My "girl" blankets are soft and loved, but the "boy" set was still crisp and stiff.  As I took them out of the dryer, I said a little thanks for her thoughtfulness.

I want my children to know her.  And that made me think of Easter.  Christ conquered death and the grave, that's what I've been telling my girls for the last week.  We can live forever with Him in heaven because He holds the key.  And when we get there, we'll see all those people who have gone before us.

I want to know if those relationships will still matter to us when we get there.  Or will we just be so overcome with adoration and worship, that it doesn't matter who we're with?  They are all family and we are united in our worship.  Or will those relationships be fulfilled in a way that can only happen in the presence of God?

When I was younger, I would hear older people praying for Christ's quick return and wonder what kind of crazy thing they were praying.  "Don't come too soon, Jesus, I've got things I want to do!" But I understand now, and I'm sure the longing will only get stronger.  Come, Lord Jesus, come.  I want to know.

More on Idols

No, I'm not into American Idol.  They lost me many seasons ago and may this be the final season, good riddance.  This is about the kind of idols we unknowingly create in our hearts.  I'm reading (very slowly and sporadically) Grace Based Parenting by Tim Kimmel and he caught my attention when he started talking about idols:

"When you convince your kids that things are evil rather than Satan and his corrupted world system being evil, you set them up to be easily manipulated by him.  I knew a lady who would pick up her elementary-age children from school during the last week of October just so they wouldn't have to walk by the jack-o'-lanterns that people put out in front of their houses.  She said she was frightened of what could happen to her children, but all she did was transfer her fear of jack-o'-lanterns to her children as well....By taking something inanimate and giving it animate evil power, she had just showed her kids how to create an idol.  Their fear of the jack-o'-lanterns was giving a dead carved vegetable a power it didn't have....

It is idolatry to affix evil power to things or actions that are just things and actions (hairstyles, rock concerts, clothing, dancing, dating, etc.).  What determines evil is how Satan is using the thing or the action in the individual's life.  What determines goodness is how God is working through the thing or the action in the individual's life.  What determines who is doing what is the individual (you, me, or the child) in the equation." 

I have to keep reading that last paragraph over and over to make sense of it, and I'm not sure what to do with it for the brief instant that the meaning seems clear.  But it seems like a powerful thing to think about and be aware of, so I wanted to share it for better or worse.

For the Kingdom

I follow several mommy blogs.  Some are friends, some are strangers.  Some are hilarious, some are profound.  Some are daily life, some advocate causes.  They all make me think, take me outside my own kitchen to other lives.  They shift my perspective and enlarge my tunnel vision.

I read non-fiction books.  Be-a-better-mommy books, be-a-better-wife books, know-your-Savior-better books.  Again, they broaden my perspective and take me out to a bigger world, an eternal world.

I hear great testimonies of how God is working in the hearts of those I love and those I didn't know existed.  My heart is stirred to desire bigger, bolder, more eternal goals.

My prayers are following this path.  What do You want me to do for Your eternal kingdom?  I know You don't need me to accomplish Your purposes, yet You take delight in allowing me to "help" You.  How can I help?  What cause would You have me champion?  What need do You want me to meet?  How can my little family be part of the eternal story You are weaving?  Are we doing it now... discipling our children and building relationships with others?  Are you preparing us for something else?  Did we hear You wrong along the way?  Have my ears gone numb to Your voice?  What more, Lord, do You have for me?  How can I be about Your eternal agenda?  Your kingdom come.

Still Thankful

Happy belated Thanksgiving!  We had a great day feasting with family and friends.  J said it was the best Thanksgiving dinner he's had in a few years.  I ate myself miserable and sat up half the night wishing I hadn't had the second helpings.  The kids played well, the home team won the game, and the weather turned cold.  Definitely a good day.

Since we don't celebrate Halloween, I try to really emphasize Thanksgiving once fall hits.  This year, we made a Thanksgiving tree.  I picked a branch out of the yard and put it in a big canister full of rocks.  We wrote (or drew) things on foam leaves that we were thankful for and tied them to the tree.  By the big day, it was a little Charlie-Brown-ish, but we could see how much we have to be thankful for.

A is thankful for mermaids, fairies, ladybugs, Chick-fil-A, rainbows, her best friend, her mom and dad, the new baby, cousins, herself, pink, and various toys in no particular order.  C scribbled on leaves and we left them open to interpretation, until one of the last drawing sessions when she handed me a leaf and told me it was one of her cousins.  I obliged and wrote his name on the leaf to identify his portrait.

The grown-ups in the house are grateful for employment, good health, kind neighbors, loving family, precious daughters, each other.  Above all else we are humbled by the opportunity to thank our God for His loving kindness, His constant nature, His gift of salvation, His personal involvement in our lives.

We've been singing a Thanksgiving song this month cut and pasted from the psalms.  Perhaps you know it..."I will enter his gates with thanksgiving in my heart, I will enter His courts with praise.  I will say this is the day that the Lord has made.  I will rejoice for He has made me glad.  He has made me glad.  He has made me glad.  I will rejoice for He has made me glad!"

Overwhelmed

I've been feeling really overwhelmed lately.  Lots of transition and new beginnings at our house.  I've been putting together a sketchy lesson plan for our first year of homeschool and trying to pull together some activities to keep C busy while I do lessons with A.  That has taken up a lot of my personal bandwidth this summer.  (That's how nerds communicate their capacity to process information.  I try to speak geek with my hubby whenever I can and sometimes it overflows into meat space.  That's where nerds have to interact with real people in real space instead of over the interwebs.)

We're also in the midst of changing our guest room/office into a playroom/guestroom.  We've moved the bedroom suite out and brought in a sleeper sofa, thereby insuring that no one will ever sleep overnight at my house again.  I'm trying to clear the room of it's old purpose and figure out it's new purpose without spending any money.  For now, that means a mountain of papers that need to be shredded or filed.  The encouraging thing is that if you wait two years to file your paperwork, a lot of it will be obsolete by the time you file and you can just throw it away.

Once the paper is clear, I'm wrestling with what I really want to put in the room so that A can enjoy it vs. not wanting C to decorate my walls with said enjoyment.  I enjoy these kinds of dilemmas and the energy that comes with a new configuration, but it's been keeping me up at night and that's not cool.

The reason we're changing the room around is to accommodate a new home group that we'll be leading this year.  I found out last week that we don't start the new group until mid-September, so that has helped me breathe a little bit.  I was thinking we only had two weeks to figure out the new room, what our group is going to study, our schedule for the fall, find a sitter for the group's kids, etc.  Two extra weeks helps a lot.

But I don't handle transition very well.  I sleep better when everything is settled.  I want the decisions to be made, the schedule mapped out, duties delegated, prep work done.  I want to have a great beginning for our new school year and our new home group, and I want to think it through enough that we finish well, too.  Until we're off and running, I'll be fidgeting with ideas and questions, wondering what the optimal solution is to each scenario.

I've been listening to podcasts from our previous church and have been reminded that unless the Lord builds the house, its builders labor in vain (Psalm 127:1).  I don't like spinning my wheels, so I pray we've heard rightly, that we'll keep our ears tuned to His voice and that God will be glorified in our home, through our family.  And if God is building it, it seems much less overwhelming.

Beautifully Said

I have a lot of admiration for well-written blog posts that communicate truth and love in a way that is hard to ignore. Here are a few posts from blogs I read that made me say, "Amen!" or "Ouch!" when they arrived in my inbox.

Love is Not Colorblind

Better Me Than You

Herein is Love

How to Live a Better Story

10 Ways to Instantly Become More Attractive

How to be Disorganized & Unproductive at Your Job #1

How to be Disorganized & Unproductive at Your Job #2

Some of these are brand new, others are really old. I've been holding on to some of the links so I could share them here, and this is my way of de-cluttering my inbox. I think that takes the prize for laziest spring cleaning ever!

Love Me Tender

I was feeling pretty cruddy yesterday morning and A was so sweet. I laid down on the couch for a few minutes to recuperate from C's morning circus and let the pounding in my head subside. I told her my throat was scratchy and she ran away. I basked in the silence for a moment and then almost cried when she returned with a damp wash rag for me to put on my throat. Isn't that sweet?!

She played very patiently with her little sister on the floor while I rested on the couch. She paused to bring me a blanket and lovingly spread it out to intermittently cover both my toes and thighs, but not at the same time. She asked if she should bring the thermometer, but I told her that wasn't necessary.

When J got home from work, he banished me to the bedroom to rest, but not before A asked him for a cup from the cabinet. She's so proud that she can fix a cup of ice water from the fridge and usually has one waiting for Daddy when he comes in the door each evening. But this time, I was the honored recipient. Then she ran to get me another rag for my throat.

Thank you, God, for tender moments that help sustain us through less-than-pleasant personality phases. I shouldn't be amazed that You can love me well through a preschooler.

Who do I know?

While window shopping with J during our anniversary trip, I saw a Christmas wreath that reminded me of someone.  I did a mental scan to try and figure out who I knew that was trying that color scheme with her Christmas decorations this year.  She had said that it was a brave, new thing - the colors were bright greens, pinks, blues.  But she really liked it and wanted to incorporate more of it in her Christmas decorations.  The wreath was marked down quite a bit and I debated purchasing it for my friend, or at least telling her where I had seen it (when I could remember who it was).  It occurred to me later that it was a fellow mommy blogger whom I've never met before.  Isn't that crazy?!  I feel like I know that woman well enough to shop for her Christmas decorations! 

J said I should do a post on what that means for the quality and significance on online relationships.  I don't really want to go there, though, because I'm quite certain the anecdote would cease to be funny the moment I began dissecting it.  Now who do I know that was wanting to try homemade dish soap?

This time last year

Seems to be a reflective time of year.  Watching a baby's first birthday come hurtling towards you makes you think about the past year, too.  This time last year:

• I was great with child, emotionally and physically exhausted
  
• My husband was traveling for work one week a month, finishing his first semester of grad school, and putting the finishing touches on a backyard office building that he constructed "in his spare time"
• My sweet 2-year-old was still sleeping in her crib, in diapers
• We were new in town, desperate for connection, aching for the family and friends-that-had-become-family we had left behind

This time last year I was in the pit of despair.  I have never been so lonely, felt so isolated or alone.  It was my first move since we'd had kids and that made it an entirely different sort of beast.  Never mind the pregnancy hormones that took me captive and beat my brain to a pulp.  Add to that a small town that is fiercely prideful of its own traditions and cliques of adults who have walked the gauntlet of college life together.  I felt every bit of Psalm 69:2, "I sink in the miry depths, where there is no foothold.  I have come into the deep waters; the floods engulf me."  I cried out to God for mercy, knowing I had reached the end of my endurance.

This time last year, we called three different couples to invite them to our house for New Year's Eve.  We were turned down by the first two; but God had saved the best for last.  It was this time last year that He sent a sweet family to our house that we could not possibly have had more in common with.  We were encouraged, affirmed, and reassured.  It was also about this time that another mom in town called me out of the blue "just to see how you're doing."  I wept when I hung up because someone had thought of me.  This time last year I began to see the surface of the pit.

I praise God that this year I can say "He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand." (Psalm 40:2)  In the depths of my heart, I knew that He would.  I knew He would deliver me and that the pit would grow my heart closer to His.  But that is so hard to see when you're in the pit.  Note to self - when you're on the surface, enjoying the prosperity of life as usual, scan the perimeter every now and then.  New face in the crowd?  Say hello, invite them to lunch, call them to see how they're doing.  Especially if they're pregnant.

Thank you, God, for the pit.  Thank you for pulling me out of it.  Please keep my heart sensitive to the needs of those on the perimeter.  Help me to see others who might be experiencing the pit and use me as you will to love them.

I'm not

My children are asleep and I am typing a blog post. I am revolting against all things productive for the next ten minutes. I am not:

• Editing my Christmas card list
• Addressing Christmas cards
• Preparing teacher gifts
• Finishing our tree decorations
• Cleaning my house for playgroup
• Paying bills
• Reviewing our budget
• Planning preschool curriculum for next week
• Christmas shopping
• Organizing my gift list for the 19th time
  
• Making edible gifts for friends and neighbors
• Making other gifts
• Emailing my sister about Christmas lunch

I am also not zoned out on the couch watching mindless television. So I guess this is somehow productive in a very cathartic sense. Perhaps my dreams will not be filled with the administrivia of this list tonight. Only if I shove a little HGTV on top of it to keep it all quiet.

13 Things

I'm still trying to wrap words around our decision not to celebrate Halloween. I want to make sure we're really doing this on purpose, not just because it's the thing to do--either way. I read this list recently in Reader's Digest and it helped:

13 Things Your Trick-or-Treater Won't Tell You
This Halloween, we turned to the experts (kids!) to give us the scoop on how to score the most candy while trick-or-treating and more.
By Phillip Done, from Close Encounters of the Third-Grade Kind: Thoughts on Teacherhood
1. Old people are either very generous or give you one peanut. There is no in-between.
2. The cuter our costumes, the more candy we get.
3. Good loot: Tootsie Rolls, Kit Kats, Nerds, Twizzlers, Jolly Ranchers, Starbursts, Skittles, Snickers, and Whoppers. Bad loot: toothbrushes.
4. Pillowcases hold twice as much as plastic grocery bags and three times as much as plastic orange pumpkins.
5. Don’t get stuck behind little kids at the door. They take forever to decide.
6. Handing out candy is like serving wine at a party. People serve the good stuff first and save the not-so-good stuff for later. The longer you stay out on Halloween night, the worse the candy gets.
7. Lots of decorations in the front yard means good candy. They spend a lot on Halloween.
8. If a group of children gathers at the door, sometimes it's best to be in the front so you won't have to wait and can run immediately to the next house. But sometimes it’s better to be the last one: You might get two pieces of candy for being patient.
9. It's always better to choose your candy than to have someone else choose it for you.
10. When parents chaperone, moms say "Be careful" and "Remember your manners." Dads say "Wha'd ya get?"
11. Know your shortcuts. Slide through hedges. Jump over gutters. Dodge strollers. And run, do not walk.
12. Dads stay out later than moms.
13. Do not show your teacher what you have in your lunch bag the day after Halloween. Otherwise, he might point to his "Official Halloween Candy Taste Tester" button and ask for all your Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups.

A surface read might cause a chuckle or smile. After all, these are meant to be cute kid quotes, right? But these statements are symptomatic of the hearts these kids are growing into. I just don't see any values here that line up with the marching orders that came from my King. That makes it a little easier to define some of the blurry edges.

How To Explain?

I love this time of year. Mainly, it's the cooler weather. I think that's why most Texans enjoy fall and spring--they aren't summer. But I get antsy in October. There's this holiday at the end of the month that makes me really uncomfortable. We have decided as a family not to celebrate Halloween. But how to explain that decision to all of our friends and extended family who really enjoy the building momentum of this holiday?

People ask, "What costumes are you getting for the girls?" I'm not. My daughter wants to know what that scary statue is in the store window. I have to censor her usual tv shows because they're doing Halloween specials. I formulate answers to her questions about what she's heard at school, church, or the park. "There is a holiday this month that lots of people celebrate called Halloween. As best we can tell, it's a celebration of scary things and being scared. Daddy and I don't think this is something God wants us to celebrate, because He is not a scary God and we don't need to be scared of Him. So we skip this holiday and wait for Thanksgiving, when we can celebrate all the wonderfully good things God has given us."

God, please help our girls understand. Give us the words to express the conviction you have placed in our hearts. Defend us from the temptation to turn it into something self-righteous. Give us courage to live it out and not compromise to the default of our culture.

Treasure and Ponder

I had one of those sweet, rare moments with my daughters this afternoon that I just want to savor and squirrel away to give me fuel for those days when one or both is screaming in decibels that could make your ears bleed. It was right after naps and it probably didn't hurt that I had gotten one also. It's been a big week around here and we topped it off with a cherry of a playgroup this morning. So we were all tuckered out and took great naps. Formula for tender, memory-making moments duly noted. I was holding a sleepy-eyed C on my lap on the couch and A decided there was just enough room to squeeze up on the other side. They were nose to nose in my lap--big sister talking in quiet tones (very rare), singing to her baby sister, stroking her curls--all right there under my chin. A deluge of loving-kindness from my heavenly Father.

It made me think of Mary, Jesus' mother. The Bible says she "treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart," referring to the day Jesus was born and the shepherds came to see Him because a host of angels had told them to go find Him. Can you imagine having things like that going on with your newborn and not having a camera to capture any of it?! I know this is not a very spiritual thing to be thinking, but here I go thinking it. I can't trust my heart to treasure and ponder for five minutes, much less the rest of my life. I had to blog about my sweet moment, lest I forget it was possible when aliens invade my three-year-old's body tomorrow and scream in demonic voices, "but I don't have to go potty!" even when the tell-tale dance suggests otherwise.

Dear Father, please give extra staying power to my fond memories, that I may treasure and ponder them in my heart. And by some supernatural miracle, please help me really be able to forgive and forget like I know You do.